Chuck Hagel Is That Guy

By: American Decency Staff

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel is that guy. He’s the guy who is always calling to ask where the party is, but it’s only 2:30 p.m. on a Saturday and you just want to chill for a few hours before going out. Plus, Hagel is excruciatingly dull to hang out with, as evidenced by his underwater approval rating.

His two best friends—John and Barry—are insufferable bores who talk too much. Most of the time, you end up telling him what he wants to hear just to get him off your back, and then, later, ignore his frenzied phone calls when you inevitably don’t show up at the place where you agreed to meet him.

Since the beginning of the crisis in Ukraine, Hagel has been trying to get in touch with his Ukrainian and Russian counterparts to find out what the hell is going on. At the height of the violent unrest in Kyiv, Hagel repeatedly reached out to the Ukrainian defense ministry, but was unable to get through. “It’s pretty unusual,” a Hagel aide told reporters.

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